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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Big S

Its not quite often that you hear news about a very close friend suffering from a possible terminal disease and learning about another close friend's sexual tendencies leaning equally between the two sexes - all on the same day. However, I am not going to write about that on this blogpost - even those these were ground-falling-beneath-me events. Some other interesting things have happened. I have graduated from Stanford. Finally! For those of you who think it was hard - u are wrong - it was excruciatingly hard. And not just academics - those i dealt with - it was the whole experience which made is an extra bit harder - and as with everyone - i feel my time of about 1.5 years was spent tougher than most - because of certain events which took place - need a huge big blog to talk about that.

Anyways, now that i am part of the real world - working in the real world, away from the protective shield of a university campus (not technically as i still live on campus) - it feels good and bad. Good because i finally dont have to worry about homework and exams!! And i am finally out a freakin class room after 6 years. Bad because - well - now I need to make a name for myself. Need to learn so much more that they dont teach you at Stanford CS Department. Live up to the expectation of a Stanford Grad.

An odd thing happened immediately after i got done with my exams and started with spring break. I entered Safeway - and it was morning time. I had just entered and without thinking - i looked down at my chest - where my heart is. I knew i was wearing the Stanford-Red Colored jacket - with the Stanford S near the left breast pocket. I looked down at that S - just to make sure it was there. This was most instinctive - I did it almost unconsciously. Everyone in the bay area knows what S stands for - to them - S has always been Stanford and i just wanted to tell myself that i had that S on my jacket.

This to me was a surprise. I had never thought like this before - that i needed to see the S to re-assure myself - of myself. But the moment i was out of Stanford - i thought i needed it. Which is strange. I have always told myself to be associated with good things but not to be defined by them - i have always tried to create my own image - not be known in the shadow of something big. And so this event was strange. I guess the big S is something good to be associated with - but not something to depend on. The big S opens a few doors in life - but to walk through to the other side - big S cant do much - you need to do that on your own. Which reminds me of a car game i used to play as a kid in Saudi - at the start of the race - the animation character used to say this to the player - "From now on, you are on your own intruder!"